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Show Me This Contract I Signed, Dagnabit!

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Ahh, the famous Missouri Argument, favored by Internet Libertarians of all varieties.  What can you do about it?  It's so simple - If I'm under contract, I must be able to point to a piece of paper that details the contracts, right?  And if you can't produce such a thing, then any and all action taken against me is unlawful (heh) aggression!

With less ranting, here's the usual formulation:

Q: Can you please show me this contract that I signed obliging me to the agreement that you speak of, please?
And if you'll read on, I'll explain just how it is that you're under contract:

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